these days i have no real say in what goes on in my life. it just happens and it just ends. eveytime i try and take control it ends in me feeling unfufilled and confused. this endless feeling of stoning and and perpetual lost is pissing me off.
but oh, dont get me confused. i havent lost control of my life yet. its simply in a temporary stage which id like to call, 'set to cruise'. the auto pilot is now in control, the mind is hibernating, and the life is being put on hold. no worries. things change.
SARKY. haha. shaik, areif, rishik, keng mun and yings. the seniors must be full of CRAB. but were just plain sarky. sigh... me... a house capt... honestly man. what the fuck.
the split is about as clear as it gets man. i dont sit with the rest during GM. i dont joke or hang out with them as much. i try i guess. but there is only so much to peopel can mix. sometimes you clique, and soemtimes you dont. and im not willing to push more than i need to.
alpha! i say whats cooler than REAAL COOL!?
ICE COOL!
I SAY.. I SAY... are WE cooler than real cool?
WE ICE COOL!!?
whoot. i forsee myself saying that in the future. fuck ho bo cai bo steady what shit bo. i cant even pronounce the words right, much less get the order straight. sheesh. like what were they thinking. chiense words.... i mean its kinda bad of me to say all this (being capt and all) but honestly. i cant rememebe when it was i started caring what people thought about me.
i mean wasnt it I who said, "dont ever be afraid to speak your mind". but if youve got a compulsive lying complex liek myself it obviously has its benefits to shut up. seeing as how ive a tendency to shoot myself in the foot. ah hell.
todays went with david and areif to queensway to do jersey shopping. ordered the alpha jersey on my own. bad move man. guys should never be IN charge of these kinda things. all they bother bout really is colour (which tends to be poorly chosen anyways) and brand name. anyways whats done is done. its ordered. and now comes the fun part. getting me back me money.
SO YOU! YES YOU! ALPHA HC MEMBER! monday. 25 dollars.... turn up... or else...
haha. tomorrows got debates against VJC. Monday against NJC. nicholas wants me to do MJ. radhika wants me to do TP. i want to do my work. not that what i want counts for anything. anyways the point is i got to go read up on iraq and iran. so i guess i might have to do thats oon..
i mean debates is great. gets me to read and really helps my current affairs loads. but like, DUDE! i got my own shit to read too kay. pride and prejudice. the tempest. god's chinese son. the time travellors wife. maaan. i really dunno why i even bother buying more and more books when i know ill only probably start reading them when i go NS. ah well. starts still a start.
some people are getting their old self back. some people are changing. some people are just peering in from the outside. fuck la. i give up on all this shit.
saturday got PW meeting. slackess galore. sigh. if only, man.
the clique. i miss them all. loads. nadia, de wei, marc. jas, michelle, selvam. dora, shankar, kyle. and then 4e1. ben mao, ben ow, alfred. jeremy, nicholas, brandon. dominic. these were the people i could talk to. i felt at home with. these are people i dont see anymore these days. even the 'da crew'. what happened to them. dharvin, zenn, sean, wei jie, prem. were there more. was i even in. nonetheless, these were people i felt so at ease with. its my past now i guess.
so the days of my ngiht time skating is past. the days of going jamming and playing the guitar after school or in the early morning are in the past. the days of playing pool are not quite the same with the different faces. sighs. the nights of writing poems and stories feel stunted. but at leats my book of poems and short stories are still there. to remind me of what i once was. and i guess thats good enough. nights of clubbing?? i guess i never really got into it...haha. whatever. but the parties with joshua and ignatius and kyle and sam and shane. with the cards and the drinks and the friends. life was good. yes. i miss those.
ah man. life is short. i so wanna live it. i so wanna do what i want. and this shit happens. guess im gonna keep whinning like this for another year or so. kidna gay i swear. i should be happy man. i mean like luke says: im freaking lucky. stupid SC HC bum. ahha. thats life i guess...
and im AIC for HC investiture. after being AIC for SC investiture. haha. i could get a job at this man.
im tired. off to sleep. or do reserach. whichever i feel like.
so what did YOU think of me when we first met?
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