i dunno why. but after listening to "everything went numb" by streetlight two days in a row, ive grown this strange desire to learn the drums.
mmmm...
sara lee cake and aik cheong white coffee make a good combi for breakfast.
not quite the same as marshmellows, but what the heck. still goodness.
parents overseas again. and im off to national library to study/research/read.
what really freaks me out most about my exams, is when i read my old essays. and all these ideas and facts flash before me, in my own handwriting. A handwriting so familiar, and thoughts and concepts so converse to the former. its frightening being so clueless: especially in something which you KNOW... at one point of time at least. i get i kinda get what lizzy is going through (but on a waaay lower degree of course), when she worries about her forgetting. i dunno la...
exams and academics have always been something ive had a love hate relationship with.
I WANT to get good grades of course.
but i dont want to be obsessed with it.
Nor caught up. or worried. or affected in anyway.
i dont want my life's priority to be school, simply put.
its hard to explain really. cause im dealing with so many things.
high expectations for me to do well, because people 'know' im "intelligent but lazy"
god ive heard that phrase waay too many times for my liking.
and let me make it clear, its not really something to be proud of.
its an easy excuse nonetheless, but honestly, not a very valid one.
im still grasping with the fact that i got 10 for my Os, cause it
was the one time i put my all, and my full attention and heart into something academic,
and getting back something so borderline was a harsh slap to my ego.
but the need to defend those expectations aside, im also dealing with
an immense lack of discipline and focus. a binding lerthary and inertia thats
holding me down here, right now, and compelling me to type, and maybe talk,
but never act. thats the suckiness. the shame of it all... that i want so much,
but i dont want to do shit. i want H3 lit, i want to be in the top 10 %, i want a guitar,
i want to avoid the stigma of becoming a 'mugger', i want this, i want that, i want
to break freee from all those impressions of me, and all those doubts and skepticism
everyone, including myself, has ever had of my ability to make it, book-wise.
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frustration.
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im off. gonna do something about this life. see ya.
"liiive wiiiiiree!" motley crue.
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