eternal sunshine of a spotless mind.

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;"


such a beautiful movie.
i can not say that enough.
eternal sunshine of a spotless mind is simply pure beauty.
beauty.



i dunno whats up with love and memory. something about these two themes which make a heart-wrenchingly lethal mix. Time traveller's wife, 50 first dates. now this. sigh. and let me tell you, this is soo many leagues above 50 first dates, at one time (12.40 this morning?) my favourite romance movie ever. its just the sheer brilliance of the story, the characterisation and the acting which milked every emotion to its most brilliant. love, love, love it. sigh.



some people are in love with the idea of being in love i realise. im not like that.

if anything im in love with, its the idea of being depressed. but thats only on occasion of course.

or maybe i dream about dreaming. which is simply another way to say im a writer.

constantly trying, wishing, escaping. constantly falling in a sublime weird attempt to walk upright. dreaming about dreaming. lacking courage or discipline. emitting toxic fumes of pure passion and idealism. dreaming about dreaming.



if there is any one person in the world who knows me well, its my sister. dunno what id do without her. no idea what id do.



sometime i wonder if im a product of my environemnt or my genes. alot of my values, my political slantings and my virtues, ive no doubt are a product of mrs leslie. yet my temperment and my eccentricities are such dead ringers of my parent's. this love to take on leadership roles and or please authority, from my mom. the disent and resentment for the leadership roles i take on, from my father. sometimes i wonder why ive become the way ive become.

sometimes i wonder "how do i be, someone Im NOT, when i dont know the hell i am, myself". sometime i think i think too much. maybe thats just me.

the thing about my emotions are, that i dont know how i feel half the time. but the problem these days, is that the feelings of not knowing how i feel is occuring at such turbulantly high frequencies, that im buckling in at the sound. dam deafening noise. bitch-cursed migraines. id ask you to leave me alone, but i suppose i secretly revel in the knowledge i have an excuse to stop accounting for myself. audits all stop at some point.

i dont want to lose my perfect eyesight. i dont want to lose my logic and intelligence. i dont want to lose my belief in magic. i dont want to lose my 'rishik', whatever it is, that makes me, Me.



ill leave now. good night.





i dont want to lose my way. or maybe i do. maybe i already have. =)