was it you

somethings offend me
somethings dont.



head throbs.
girating, dancing around and away from the duties, attacking me, flying head-on.
palipitating, uncontrollably from the forces at work.
At work indeed.


frustrated, undeniably losing touch. and not quite able to explain my reaction to affronts or effrontries. why i may keep cool with some but just fall down a path of bitter disgurntledness for the rest of you.


please dont think that this is easy. cause its fucking, not. it will be better when its over. i know it will.


dam faith. thats all this really is. faith that it will all fucking pay off. god damn blind ass faith.


---
Orientation, and all it entails.
Ki orientation and all it promises
drama and all i can dream of
events, and functions and all i owe to them
CNY, HC camp and all im averse to
poetry slam, H3 lit, IS and all im embarrased of
subjects and essays and all i have to live up to.

---


last night i wanted to break free. no it was this morning. i was up. awake. restless. and calm. such a wonderful mix of idealism and passion. such a ill-timed mix. then it started raining. and it caused ideas and thoughts, one after another to come flying at me, realisation taking on a present tense.
Realisation that i still want to run away into the rain, to the park and be quiet and in control. that i cant. that even if i did go through the motion of it all, it wouldnt be the same and that it would end in crap. that the circumstance of responsibility has soured the flavour and now no amount of salts gonna make a difference. realisation also that i now had something to work towards. A future where i can run back to the park and slow time down. excercise that power i had, and lost a long time ago. oh the irony of it all. sigh. but it will happen. ill live that life again. i know.



the best pasta i ever had was with mrs leslie, dharvin and i think christopher, marc and justin gium at the british club. it was a salmon pasta. i dont remember what kind of pasta it was. i dont remember if the salmon was raw or smoked. dont remember what sorta cheese it was. but i remember how creamy and milky the sauce was. and how everything went so great together. the sauce, the cheese the salmon. how it was the most palatable thing that entered my mouth in a long time. how it was a promise of the life i thought i was heading towards.


enough of me. im out.