this lack-life this kill-courtesy

wow. how do i begin this post. so many different sides of me screaming so many emotions, i swear, i am lost and know not what to say.


so ill start with the most significant emotion. i must say ive been pissed countless times. ive dealt with ppl being pissed at me. ive been annoyed, sad, frustrated stressed. ive been scared, lonely, calm, distanced. yet, in my 17 years to date, i doubt i have ever, EVER felt as hated as i do right now.


its suffocating. but not the same way, when ive felt stressed and overworked.
its hurtful. but not the same way when im sad or depressed.
its belittling. but not like when ive been embarrassed or taken an ego-bruising.


its beyond all that. its just. utter. dry. fire.


and i dont cry. cause its sad and pathetic.
but i wonder if i should. would it make their hate go away?
at the same time, i know its not gonna help anything.
at this stage. no.


i wanna get pissed and yell at someone.
but i dont.
not cause anyone doesnt deserve to get yelled at.
hell no.
but its cause ive held it in far too long. and at this stage. its not worth it. no.


i feel surging with regret.
for decisions made months, weeks and years ago.
but i dont share it with anyone.
cause in this context, all im gonna get is more.. hate.


fuck la. i cant stand this. this "you know who you are" bull shit. cause i dont fucking know. these off the cuff questions that reveal so much more than intentions would belie. this.. this lack-life. this kill-courtesy. its made me dead. its reached a point, where my conscience and intelligence have reached the verdict that to hate myself is the best way out now. just to shut everyone else up. and now im dead. Dead.


so here it is. the declaration. fuck you rishik. you fucking suck. you dont deserve fucking shit. so fuck you.


gosh. im really new at this. or maybe im just new to realizing it. either way, it doesnt make much of a difference.


.