time for some contemplation

time for some contemplation...

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Start playing "Faust, Midas and Myself" by Switchfoot

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hmm.. so here I am.

my life really seems to have flown by. and im feeling sad. its too fast. and now here i am. i need to decide soon.

i need to decide so soon. shit.

no. I cant do this now. its not right. im still a boy.

i was only 15 yesterday. i swear i was. i was only beginning to enjoy it. this is all to strange to be true. and ive only just started, and now im feeling starved of what right i had to live in the past. and was it all worth it, and was it enough? ive tried to cram so much into my hours but never with the conscious intention of having this many half memories and close friendships with people I truly miss, but truly dont seem to be able to find the energy to meet. and thats where alot of it comes down to luck and destiny, doesnt it?...

so does that mean we can only be close friends when we are in the same course? or class? or school? or CCA? or seminar? or production? or country? or neighbourhood?

but i didnt come to talk about friendships and relationships. I came online thinking about my family. and these few memories which i had during field camp. of sitting in the civil service clubhouse room and enjoying the aircon after the swim. of being in orchard in a rainy day during the holidays, and my dad letting me buy books. of atha buying me fried chicken wings at the civil service club, and my mom scolding me furiously after that day, for making my poor unemployed grandmother use her own savings on me. of a dark night at that red condo near loyang where my mom used to go for yoga classes. and of komala sithi bringing me swimming one night to civil service club because my mom had to go somewhere, and I really wanted to swim.

and its strange because the morale of the story suddenly hit me that, money helps me maintain my happiness. money wont buy me happiness, but its the conduit to a material world of comforts that I enjoy. and i want my family to enjoy that too. and continue enjoying it. and now im thinking more and more and more about that scholarship. and that lesson from the stories of my mom's childhood.

that sacrifice is always worth it for someone you love.

and i will never forget the ones who loved me.

and for their sake, I wish to never be in anyone's debt...

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sigh. dammit. this is too fast.

..so maybe i dont wish i could do it all again. but maybe what i really want is to revisit that time, and try again. because i wasnt the best leader back then, and because i owe it to them for helping me mature, i so desire to return to st pat's and TJ. but am i being out of place. and more realistically, am i just too late? because i could have sworn i tried my best. but somehow im still feeling, like i didnt do enough.

its true then. i still owe them my respect and dues. i owe them my time...

or should i start spending less time with more people and more time with less people?

sigh. whatever the hell am i jabbering on about now. i dont even know anymore. i need some carrot juice, tea, jacob's crackers and the simpsons to show now. yeaah. that might solve some things.

I keep saying "everything in life happens for a reason", but now im just feeling uncertain and troubled, drawing lines of meaning between series of people and places that probably mean less than i read. so how do i decide from there. where do i go. where is there left for me to hide.

its not that i have burnt my bridges. rather id left most in such a strange hurry that i cant seem to be able to find my way back without appearing lost.

will going to UCL then give me a chance for a clean break and start. a pinky promise to make less mistakes than before? or is going there just another mistake in itself. meow.

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"Gravity" John Mayer

"these Streets"

"Why georgia" John Mayer

"No doubling back now" Jason Mraz

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yes. its true then. its all happening too god damn soon.

the trophies on my cabinet suddenly are starting to have a lot less meaning as the time between me and the events stretch further and further apart.

damn. i know im usually more optimistic than this. but its hard to be, when memories come rushing back and remind me of a time when i had less choices to make and remind me of how old ive become while in the absence of so many people.

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"Asphalt world" Suede
"Gravedigger" Dave Matthews Band