You can never please everyone. people like myself, struggle in social terms, cause, people like me are just too open minded. Basically what im talking bout is taste in music. like when i talk about music with linus, and i veer off rock into RnB or rap, he says they suck. likewise for friends who dotn listen to heavy rock. wtf. simple lah. screw you all. leave me alone as i listen to "over and over" by nelly and "signs" by justin timberlake. haha.
its been two days. wondering where ive been? haha. basically huangs house and school and huangs house and school, home, school, and back to huangs house and here i am now. haha. THE CAMPFIRE'S OVER. ha! this is all i was waiting for. and now the 70km hike.... dam. haha. talk bout mood spoiler. my mind always does that. reminds me of the shit i have to do nd that makes me depressed. i was real depressed yesterday.
had to talk to mr roshan, bout the stuff. mainly the whole ava business and affair. thats another cunt story right there, and i cant be bothered to write out the whole thing, so if you really want to know ask me personally. basically just made me feel dam fucked up. close to tears. eevrything was fucked yesterda. to begin with i only had four hours of sleep. i had to rush home to get my uniform. i was in my scouts u for the whole of yesterday cause i didnt bring any pt kit. intentionally of course, just ddnt think i would be needing it. then that talk. was close to tears. then the MC-ing of teh campfire. apparently we screwed up everything. fuck lah. since when was the rules for MC-ing. or for a campfire in the first place. knn. now the report for the campfire to pass the VLC. i cant be bothered! fail lah. faridah just messaged me about the FDI. i dont mind failing that too. just get me out. what the point of doing so much work, when people think your doing it for glory. your doing it for the power. your doing it to suck up. fuck it man.
i never meant for people to hate me. i never knew tahts what apparently eveyrone thinks of me. you have no idea how much that hurts me. to think that i am not a good leader. and if not that what am i. trying to get testimonials has showed me so much. and has really put me down. apparently i suck. i have no talents. and now this? i have no leadership? or that i'm power-hungry? taht means where will i go in life? i have nothing. NOTHING. no talents whatsoever. so all i have to lean back on is studies... and that is nothign too. where teh fuck can i go with 13 points. what the fuck am i goingto do. all i wanted to do was help. i swear. i dead seriously SWEAR, i had the best intentions at all times. and i just screw it up. that same night, when i came home, i went to shower. i looked myself in the mirror. i broke down. i just started crying looking at my own face. i was a failure. thats all i am. and it hurts to realise that. how things can backfire so badly. yet i say i want to continue the 70km hike. i dont know. who am i trying to prove anythign to. i really dont know. maybe just to him. but even then....i dont know. maybe he wont care. but i have said what i have said. my word means everything to me. if not to anyone else. my word.
on a brighter topic, today was fun. school i mean. i live on school. the social interactions i mean. morning woke up late. cant expect much coming home at 12.00. oh by the way, thanks yang sheng, for the lift. anyways, yeah, met shane and wei ket at bedok interchange. 2nd time meeting shane on the way to school. and botht imes at two differet bus services. cool. haha. anyway biow as a bore. could have cried. sitting in taht chair. after that, theodore, jeremy, nicholas GN an myself went to siglap macs fer breakfast. or lunch more likely. jeremy played alot of mind games. haha. i figured out two. feel proud. jeremy said it took him three days to get one. i like "fuzzy wuzzy" persoanlly. haha. interesting enough "fuzzy wuzzy"doesnt like me. you have to be tehre to get it. anwyays, thoedore and I made our way to huangs house to plan the 70km hike. and now i am here. still thinking about what mr roshan said. god. i dont even know if i can start anew anywhere. whats done is done. but in me there is this fear that people who dont know me will think me a slacker. or worse, a guy totally dedicated to a single thing. and when that happens i will get stereotyped. but to prevent this from happening, i will basically continue my old curse.
what really hurt me is this thought. my syblings have both whole shelves fulled with trophies, meddles, either for treck and feild, or public speaking or debating. i have had nothing. Nothing. and i personally feel i have spent much much more time in school dedicating my life to it almost, and i have hadnothing. and its depressing. and you can still scold me for wanting power and positions. i dotn! i dont even complain about not getting anything. i make jokes about it. but i never complained have i. someone please shoot me. not even looking forward to dam hike. what was i thinking.
piano class tomorrow. better practise. my life is like clockwork. how shitty is that. this is the only release i have. writing here. i still want to cry. holding it all in.
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