this is my culture

to never stop excelling.

Fuck.. in this span of less than a week, i have broken my own personal record of feeling fucked up three times. this being the most recent.. and the crappiest. God.

My sky came crashing down today. everything shattered. Everything. u swear. my insignificance bit hard into my flesh and it was fucking cold. and it fucking hell hurts. and i feel like shit. liek crap. my insides are burning me and i want to die sooo soo soo much. cause i dont know what the fuck im gonna do with my fucking life. cause i have failed. in the worst way ever. and its killing me so much, im chocking to fight back these tears swelling in my small red eyes. that this could happen to me. fuck. Fuck!

when my grade for english first entered my ears from the lips of nicholas my heart skipped a beat. maybe two. i prayed he was lying. i prayed he was just pulling my leg. trying to demoralise me as he always does. but soemthing in me knew he was telling the truth. and soon it had sunk in. i had failed. not only had i not gotten top in level. i had dropped lower than i ever had in my life! EVER. i was fucking demoralised when i got 23/30 for my free writing. i was shocked. frsutrated. my mind was blown by the immense drop of myr esults. and this. this score killed me. 19... and those words they say still run over my ehad.. "wow. i matched up to your standard" by donald... "Rishik, what happened. does mr michael have a grudge against you" mrs leslie. "you will get your a1" bryan cheang. "fuck you lah, A2 is good enough" by some 4E2 boys. and god. its NOT! its...hurting. my body feels horrible. how low i coudl drop. and its destroying me one by one. the fact that i dropped lower than i EVER had. the fact that jeremy, nicholas GN, marc and bryan ALL beat me, and got A1s... the fact that THIS WAS THE PRELIMS. MY LASR CHANCE TO GET TOP IN LEVEL FOR ENGLISH. and i fucked up so bad! my god... i dunno who will understand how i feel right now. Who......

tried to take my mind of it by going to great world with jeremy to do add maths. it helped abit. not much. my eyes were getting red. jeremy coudl tell i wasnt feeling right. and i wasnt. i was gone. more than ever. and it just kept rolling over and over in my head. the facts. the scores. the results. the words. The fact that mrs leslie would praise me and use me as an example in 3E4. The fact that mrs err the HOD of english had apparently been praising me and talking about me, just me, in 4E2 and how my essays were truly applaudable. and then soemthing like this comes and slaps you hard in the face. and everything just collapses. when i got home i couldnt take it anymore. couldnt hold it in much longer. went to my room. looked at my mirror. and at the split secodn my eyes saw that face. of that child who had lost everything he stood for. i broke down. and onvce again i felt like shit more than eevr.




and i still feel like shit. for a different reason. for being such a fucking hypocrite and reducing myself to everything i was against. for lecturing jasvir about how fucked marks and results are. how little they mean to us. how a judge of a person's worth and character is not the number of marks he has, or booksmarts. how sad and pathetic a person truly is, if his only goal in life is to beat others in school subjects. how everytime i tell people the grades means nothing. and to move on in life. how i tell them not to worry. how i tell them its okay, and its not important. and to look at thebigger picture. and here i am. going against every single fucked up thing i have preached.

i have been reduced to a kiasu singaporean. and this is whatis making me feel even more like shit. First the english results. and then the fact that i was affected by the english results is making me feel stupid. and either eway... i dunno anymore. i wanna die. i wanna cry. but i already am doing that. and its not helping.

"what if" by plain white tees. i want to give to community. i want to donate blood. i want to give free tuition. i want to help out. i have this growing stirring in me to do that. i REALLY want to. yeah.

got second in level fer chem. good ol marc got first. now HE is someone who has chemistry not just with 'Chemistry' but with nearly every subject. haha. sigh. he deserves it. he's a REAL nice friend. dont know what ill do without him. sigh. haha. sigh.

i felt confused as it was last night. today's english results made it fuck-load worse. and i now.. all i want to know is this. WHO AM I... WHO AM I.....

tamil B orals was fucked today. people were talking in class, and i had trouble reading. and i took one whole period. sigh.

ben mao wanst to start a band. haha. said he was thinking of me and alfred. if i learnt he bass i might just join. but he needs a drummer. and i doubt brandon and mao are the best of friends. sigh. whateevr the case im bring my guitar tomorrow. yeap. michelle asked me to join her church ministry of music thingamajingy. dont mind joign that too, if i can. haha. thingamajingy. im learnign funny words from jeremy wong after sitting behind him for prelims. haha. oh wells.

feeling better now thanks mainly to marc. sigh. Who am i......